


Rust to Gold: A Spectrum

by oonymay



Series: Colours in the Music [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Synaesthesia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-07-27 13:49:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16220363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oonymay/pseuds/oonymay
Summary: In the years since he's met Felix, Chan would like to believe he's become pretty good at reading him (and interpreting the not-so-subtle pining).-or-Five times Felix was rust and one time he was gold.





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> For once in my life, this was actually prewritten (because why work on wips when you can start new fics?) so it can be a daily update. Maybe every two days. We'll see how we go anyway haha 
> 
> Chapters are fairly short - it won't be a very long fic.
> 
> In any case - enjoy :) and please feel free to pick me up on any mistakes you notice!
> 
> \- oonymay

Chan first met Felix on a cold night at Incheon International Airport.

The wait was the worst bit of the whole ordeal. His hands were clad in thick mittens and he donned a winter jacket. Even though the international terminal was heated, the warmth refused to stay inside. Surrounding the building, a thin layer of muddy snow lay with more forecast to fall later that night. 

“When’s his aeroplane meant to arrive?” Chan pulled his gloves off and stuffed them into one of his many pockets.

The manager next to him hummed slightly in curiosity. “What, sorry?”

“The plane. When’s it meant to arrive?”

Pulling out his phone and checking the time, the manager grumbled under his breath. For the most part, Chan got on well with the company staff. However, the trainee manager, Jeong Hyeonjoon, had only joined JYP a few months ago and was not someone Chan had spent enough time around to get to know well. All he had really managed was to match the subtle violet of his voice to his face and name.

“Fifty minutes ago. Customs shouldn’t take any longer than an hour, so I expect he’ll be out in ten minutes or so,” Hyeonjoon said. He pushed his phone back into his jeans and crossed his arms across his broad chest.

Chan nodded. “And, it’s Felix, right?”

Hyeonjoon grunted in agreement and for a split second, a burst of purple floated around him. He made no move to say anything more.

Understanding what it meant, Chan fell silent, too. Nervously, he wrung his hands together and huddled into his jacket, bracing himself against the cold that seemed to be thickening his blood. Whenever the large doors to the outside opened, another gust of biting wind blew in. By the time the night was through, Chan ready to accept that he would have turned into an ice block. No matter how many winters he spent in Korea, Chan could never get used to the cold. The rest of the trainees found it hilarious when he started complaining about the weather in mid-November.

The minutes passed like tree sap; slow and bittersweet. For some reason, he could not stop himself from tapping his foot on the floor and tying his fingers together. By the time people began to come through the arrival gates again, his stomach was twisting itself into knots.

He shuffled closer towards the reception area. Hyeonjoon followed him slowly.

Then, Chan saw him: a boy of average height who looked exactly like the pictures that Chan had seen earlier that day. His hair was completely back, untouched by dye and he clutched his suitcase, knuckles white, and his expression absolutely terrified. All the unfamiliar signs seemed to make him increasingly queasy as he exited the gate.

Hyeonjoon pushed ahead to meet the boy and this time, Chan chased his heels to catch up.

“Hello,” Hyeonjoon said kindly, but in rapid Korean. “My name is Jeong Hyeonjoon. I’m the trainee manager.” Chan could see the purple ribbons dancing around him and although they were pretty, Felix seemed to have no idea what was going on.

Felix’s hand twisted into his jacket pocket. The black coat was zipped up to his neck but he still looked chilled.

He blinked a few times, his expression completely blank. “Hello,” he stuttered in reply. His accent was strong and he sounded even more scared than he looked. With each, detached syllable, a paintball bullet of dark, rusty orange paint exploded around them. “My name is Felix.”

Chan grinned at him in what he hoped was a reassuring way. “Hey.” He switched into causal, easy-going English. “I’m Chan, your fellow Aussie.”

Felix visibly sagged and breathed out heavily, immediately taking up on the opportunity to switch to English. “Oh, my God. Thank you. I thought I was going to have to resort to Google translate or something.” There was a flare of brilliant, sunset orange amongst the rust. His hands were still white from the pressure of holding onto his bags so tightly, but he at least seemed less likely to vomit onto the floor of the airport.  

Hyeonjoon tapped him on the shoulder. “Tell him that we’re going back to the dorm rooms. The stuff that we discussed in the meeting today.”

“Are we going straight back?” Chan asked.

“Do you have another plan?” Hyeonjoon pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. “It’s getting later. There’s not a lot to do around here, anyway.”

Chan shrugged. “I want to buy him a coffee or something. He’s just landed in a new country; he’s bound to be terrified. Just give me a few minutes with him. Please?” He gave a winning smile.

Hyeonjoon sighed heavily. “Buy a drink or something, okay? I’ll go to the car and contact JYP to let them know we’ve picked him up. By the time I’m done, I expect you back at the vehicle, okay? You know where it is.”

“Parking lot, level 2, area C,” Chan recited quickly.

“Very well.” Hyeonjoon stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I’ll see you there.”

Chan nodded and then turned back to Felix, suddenly feeling bad. He looked completely lost again.

“Sorry about that,” Chan said, switching back to English. “Just figuring some stuff out. Want a hot drink?”

Felix’s mouth dropped slightly open. “Oh, um, don't worry about that. And, yeah, that'd be nice, if it's okay, I mean…” He trailed off bashfully and his cheeks were turning a light pink. The convoluted sentences spoke volumes about the mess of thoughts and emotions that were running around his head. 

Now that Felix was speaking fully in English, Chan found that his colours were much clearer and formed smooth waves. The rusty oranges were still dark but they were less like the jolted spikes of before. Instead, they swept patterns that swirled in a protective, shrouding coat.

Chan beamed at him and walked slowly towards a small coffee house. It was nearly deserted at this time of night and there were only two people who manned the front counter. Chan ordered two takeaway hot chocolates, paid for them with a 10,000 won note from his back pocket and then waited with Felix.

Unprovoked, Felix said very little. He alternated restlessly between looking at his shoes and suitcase, picking at his fingernails and casting looks around the massive airport reception terminal. Occasionally, he would open his mouth as if he was about to say something but he always closed it again.

When the drinks arrived, Chan handed one to Felix, who thanked him copiously. Then, he grabbed the handle of Felix’s suitcase and rolled it behind himself as he herded Felix towards the exit. They only had a few minutes left in private, but Chan wanted to make the most of it.

“How was your flight?” Chan asked.

Felix lowered his takeaway cup and clasped his hands around it tightly. “Alright, I guess. Never really been overseas before, unless you count Tasmania…” He trailed off and Chan saw his finger’s clenching tighter around the cup.

Chan fought back a laugh; Tasmania did not quite cut it for a new country, even if Chan had heard more than enough jokes about it over his admittedly short lifetime. Instead, biting his lip, he nodded understandingly. “Must have been a long flight, then. And a big weather change.” He glanced down at Felix’s jumper and jeans. “Aren’t you cold?”

Felix winced and gave a half shrug. “I mean, I’m alright at the moment. As long as we don’t have to spend too much time outside…”

“Braver than me, then.” Chan chuckled and his own grey voice swirled around both of them like the blizzard they were walking into. “I hate the cold.” He gestured towards his own coat for emphasis.

Felix gave him a tight-lipped smile.

Chan took a long sip of his drink. Usually, he preferred tea, which was stimulated him better than hot chocolate, however, he had to concede that hot chocolate had its place in warming people up. “We’ll head back to the dorm soon.”

“Is it far?” Felix asked.

Chan shook his head. “About half an hour, I think? I’ll be honest, though, nothing here is very far away. I mean, you’re a Sydney boy, right? You must’ve driven to Canberra at one point or another.”

Felix looked at him curiously but nodded in agreement.

“As long as the traffic isn’t too bad, you can drive from one end of Korea to the other quicker than you can do Sydney to Canberra.” Chan sipped at his drink as he led Felix up an escalator to the next level of car parking.

Felix’s eyes opened comically wide. “Wait, seriously?” For the first time, a streak of bright copper soared through his colours. Chan’s gaze lingered on it for a few seconds and he inwardly grinned in satisfaction.

"Well, only if you miss the traffic."

Chan had real advice that he could give Felix, but this was neither the time nor the place. His only goal was making Felix feel comfortable and supported. Chan remembered his first day: it was like he had been given adrenaline shots until the evening came. As soon as the lights had been turned out, he had crashed and cried himself to sleep, wishing that he could have given his parents one more hug.

While they found the company vehicle they passed a few more minutes of idle conversations that continued once they had loaded Felix's bags and scrambled inside. Occasionally, Hyeonjoon would interject with some rough English. Felix seemed grateful for the effort.

Finally, they arrived at the dorm. Hyeonjoon let them out of the car and helped with Felix’s cases. It was almost midnight and the streetlamps cast eerie shadows that hung around them like leering monsters.

“Alright, I think my job’s done.” Hyeonjoon closed the boot quietly as he spoke in Korean. Even in the dark, purple clung to his dark figure like a cloak. “I’ll finish the paperwork tomorrow. Just make sure he gets some sleep because he’s scheduled into a dance practice first thing tomorrow morning for grading.”

Chan nodded and bowed. “Thank you for your work.”

Felix was expressionless but parroted Chan’s actions as soon as he saw him move.

Hyeonjoon nodded. “Yeah, okay. Thank you. Have a good night.” He turned around and got back into the car. The taillights had disappeared before either Felix or Chan had reacted.

“Well, we’re here,” Chan said optimistically. He took Felix’s suitcase again. “Jeongin's at home in Busan for the weekend, so the only other person in the dorm tonight is Jisung. He’s your age, but he speaks English, too, so don’t worry.”

Felix gave a shaky laugh. “Thank God for that…” In the dull reception lights of their apartment block, the orange was strangely stark.  

“Do you want anything to eat?” Chan lugged the case into the lift and waited for Felix to be standing beside him before he pressed the level-seven button.

“No thanks,” Felix said. The mere thought of food appeared to nauseate him.

Chan smiled ruefully. “Okay, then. I’ll show you your room, but you should probably head to bed fairly quickly. The manager from before – Manager Jeong – he said that you’ve got a dance grading tomorrow.”

Felix’s face fell. Chan’s stomach twisted uncomfortably as he watched the apricot colour he had been building up to regress to its dull, brownish bronze. “Grading? I’m not very good, though. Will they make me do it alone? I’m really bad at performing solo, too. I get really antsy and mess everything up!” His words sped up into a frantic babble and he picked at the strap of his rucksack.

Chan hushed him. “No, no, it’ll be okay.” His grey began to obscure Felix’s orange. “They might make you do it solo, but even if they do, no one will care what happens." Chan was fully aware that was an exaggeration, but there was a time and a place for the truth.

Felix gave him a distrustful look and Chan quickly continued.

“You’re a trainee, now. Everyone’s here to learn. When I came, all I could do was jump in time to the beat – I had no background in the dancing that they teach here! Really, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it now.”

There was no reply except for the subdued, yellow ting of the lift as they arrived at their floor.

“Dorm’s this way,” Chan said to break the silence. He walked to their front door and pulled out the key to unlock it. As he did, there was a scurrying noise inside. Chan pulled open the door and was unsurprised to find Jisung, whose eyes immediately latched onto Felix. 

Chan cleared his throat. “Let’s get inside, shall we?” He spoke in clear English, trying to remind Jisung that Felix’s Korean was still limited. They had discussed it earlier that morning, but Chan did not fully trust him to remember. Jisung was brilliant at adapting to situations and ad-libbing where he needed to, but it was not uncommon to seem like conversations with him went in one ear and out the other.  

He allowed Felix to walk in front of him, pulled the suitcase inside and finally shut the door behind him. The bright light hurt his eyes after so much time in dim hallways and the dark car.

“I’m Jisung.” Jisung out his hand to Felix, a cheeky grin on his face. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Felix glanced back at Chan. “I’m Felix,” he replied, hesitatingly taking Jisung’s hand. The bronze-orange remained; it was totally at odds with the magenta of Jisung’s over-excited drawl.

“Whoa, your voice is so deep!” Jisung’s eyes widened even further while Felix visibly retreated into his shell.

Chan gave him a warning look. “Jisung…”

Jisung turned to him. “Is Felix the hyung? He is, right?” He swivelled to face Felix again. “When’s your birthday?” He was like an overexcited puppy; Chan only hoped that he would not overwhelm Felix.

“Millennial, September fifteen,” Felix murmured. His voice was so soft that it was almost inaudible.

For all that he was known as the constant sunshine and mood-maker amongst their group of trainees, Chan knew that Jisung also had an empathetic streak. Sometimes it just took a few minutes for it to kick in.

Jisung’s face morphed into a smile that lit up the room. “I have one day on you, then! I’m the hyung!” He took a few steps closer to Felix. “Is it alright if I hug you? I’m going to hug you.” He wrapped his arms around Felix and squeezed him tightly. “I’m your _hyungie_ , now! I’m going to take such good care of you and it’s going to be awesome!”

Felix’s face cracked, bottom lip trembling and eyes glistened. It took all of another two seconds until there were tears. They were silent, but definitely there.

Over Felix’s shoulder, Jisung looked extremely alarmed. Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around Felix's trembling upper body and stared at Chan in a plea for help.

 _Keep hugging him_ , Chan mouthed as clearly as he could. Felix needed the support; everyone did on their first night in the dorms and even more so when they came from overseas.

Felix sniffled but took only a few more minutes to pull himself back under control. Moving back again, he muttered a quiet apology that was grainy with corrosion. His face was damp and his eyes were slightly swollen. Neither Chan nor Jisung commented on it.

“I’ll show you your room,” Chan said. He quietly led Felix to the bed that had been set up for him.

“Thank you,” Felix grovelled. He refused to look up.

Chan sat down on the edge of another bed in the room. “It’s okay if you want to talk or have questions or just want to be alone, you know? It’s your first night in a new country. I remember crying myself to sleep when I moved here.” Felix nudged his head in a way that looked almost like a nod of acknowledgement. Chan sighed; there was no way that he would be able to get anything more out of Felix. “My room is the next one down the hall. You can always come and talk to me, even if it’s three in the morning, okay?”

Felix swallowed. Chan could hear the gulp.

“Good night, Felix,” Chan said. He pushed himself off the bed and made towards the doorway.

Felix finally looked up. Just as Chan had expected, his eyes still looked slightly bloodshot. “Thank you for everything this evening.”

Chan gave him the brightest smile he could muster. The rusting orange that shielded Felix partly from view made it harder than it should have been. “Of course. And, as I said, any time, yeah? Whatever you need, I’m here to help.”

Felix gave a small smile and nodded again. “Thanks.” It was still the colour of the old, oxidising steel swing sets that sat desolate in the park. 

Chan accepted defeat for that night. “Sleep well.”


	2. ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2! And we finally get some other people into the story - well, kind of. 
> 
> Anyway - hope you enjoy :) And I'll see you in the next chapter 
> 
> \- Ooonymay

“This is Felix. He’s joining us. He’s still learning Korean, so please don’t frighten him off before we even begin,” Chan informed rest of the dance class in Korean. He turned to look behind himself and found an apprehensive Felix half hidden behind him.

Following the grading assessment, the managers had asked Chan to supervise Felix and take him along to his classes, at least until they decided upon an alternate schedule. The only exception was the Korean lessons that spanned for all of Felix’s afternoon.

It had been less than a day since Felix had arrived, but Chan had already been starkly reminded that language barriers could make communication difficult. While it was not a problem for him, he was translating the majority of the goings-on to Felix. He did not begrudge it at all, but he was looking forward to seeing Felix become more confident himself.

The rest of the class bowed in a formal greeting to Felix and then swiftly dispersed, leaving only a few people to rush towards them.

“Felix!” Jisung bounded forwards and attacked him with another tight hug that he quickly released. “How was the grading?”

Felix shrugged half-heartedly. “It was okay, I guess. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but I don’t think I did very well. Then again, dancing went much better than the vocal assessments.” He was still guarded and severely lacking in self-confidence, Chan noticed offhandedly. He stepped back to let them talk, but could not help overhearing their conversation.

Subconsciously, Chan watched the colours in their conversation. He was familiar with Jisung’s purples, vibrant as always. However, it was Felix who’s spectrum was truly catching his interest. Thankfully, Felix’s oranges had moved away from rust to some other dark, red-yellow shade. It was not a big improvement, but at least did not remind Chan so much of decay.

Jisung clapped Felix on the shoulder heartily. “That’s okay. You’re new, here! And we’re all learning, anyway! You’ll be great within in a few months! And we’ve got a showcase coming up soon, too!”

Seungmin walked up to the pair. “I’m Seungmin.” He stuck out his hand and completely cut off the conversation from before. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Felix gave him a shy smile. “Nice to meet you, too.”

Seungmin raised an eyebrow. “Australian, huh?”

Felix laughed awkwardly, scratching at the back of his neck. “How did you guess?”

“You’ve got the same accent as Channie- _hyung_.” Seungmin gave him a cheeky grin. “Anyway, how’re you enjoying it here? You must be in the dorm, right? You know Jisung- _hyung_ , too, then, and have you met Jeonginnie, yet?” He trailed off into more conversation until Woojin pushed in to introduce himself in stilted English.

Finally, a dance teacher marched into the room.

Chan pushed his way over to her, pulling Felix with him. In quick Korean, he explained the situation to her. The noise of the surrounding class masked their conversation from everyone else.

“He can watch for today. Wait for the grading results before we teach him anything, I think,” she said. She crossed her arms and looked Felix up and down. “Looks like he’s a dancer, though. Lean and strong. Do you know if that’s how he got in?”

Chan nodded. “I’m pretty sure it was for dancing, yes.”

The teacher smiled in satisfaction. “Good. Well, in any case, tell him that he can sit to the side for now and we’ll start formally teaching when we get know what level I should be putting him in.” She turned her attention to the rest of the class while Chan translated her words for Felix.

“So, I just sit by the wall?” Felix repeated. He seemed slightly disheartened. The colours never showed any emotion: Chan had synaesthesia, not psychic-empathic abilities. Even so, he liked to imagine that his ability to read people had been far improved from where it would be in any other case. Right now, Felix’s voice bled with hopelessness.

Chan could not blame him. After abandoning everything to move to a strange country where he did not understand the language or the culture, not being able to do anything had to feel like a blow.

“It’s just for today.” Even Chan’s attempts at soothing felt useless.

Felix sighed resignedly. “That’s okay. I understand.” He settled down with his back against the mirror so that he could watch the remainder of the trainees.

Chan re-joined the line near to his closest friends. There were many trainees and even though there was a generally amiableness amongst them, everyone tended to drift into their own clique sooner or later.

Changbin shuffled forwards while the teacher fiddled with the music player and connecting her phone to the speaker system. He tapped Chan on the shoulder hesitantly.

“Did you say his name was Felix?” Chan did not have to look to know it was Changbin. If his voice did not give it away, then the ribbon-like, navy colour did.

Chan nodded. “Yeah, Lee Felix. He’s got a Korean name, but he doesn’t like it, so just use Felix.” He paused for a few seconds before continuing. “He’s pretty weak at Korean right now, but he’s learning. If you want though, I can play translator.” He grinned at Changbin, who rolled his eyes in response.

“I’ll be fine, thank you.” Changbin glanced over at Felix again, who was straight-backed and surveying the largely inactive class. “How old is he?”

“I’m the _hyung_! By a day!” Jisung interrupted without letting Chan even open his mouth. “I get a _dongsaeng_!”

Seungmin pushed into to the conversation, too and shoved Jisung playfully. “You’ve already got me and Jeongin.”

Jisung rolled his eyes. “But, like, you two never treat me like I’m older than you. Besides, one day. That’s like giving permanent bragging rights for the rest of my life. Therefore, he has to be my friend so that I can remind him for the rest of his life that I’m one day older than him and therefore, I am his _hyung_.”

“You’re same age friends,” Seungmin said flatly, “Just like we are, actually.”

“Whatever. It’s going to be great!” Jisung said with a massive grin.

Felix was staring at them with curiosity but was oblivious. He obviously understood no more today than he had yesterday. Chan scolded himself; of course he did not. A second language could not be learnt through sheer force of will in the space of a night. Chan had been forced to remind Felix of that when he found him trying to memorise greetings that morning.

He wished the Korean lessons would start soon. He knew how isolating it could be to feel like he understood nothing.

“Positions!” The teacher turned, finally satisfied with the music set up and frowned when she realised that not everyone was in his spot. “Quickly, quickly,” she called even more loudly.

Then the music started. It was made up of various shades of pink and red that swarmed like bees around them. Chan followed a particular splotch until the note ran out and the colour dissipated into the air. Then, he turned his attention to the teacher again, waiting for her to count them in while Felix watched on, his expression somewhere between awe and terror.

It was easy for Chan to lose himself in the dance and he barely noticed that half an hour had passed until they were given a five-minute water break. Suddenly aware of his dry throat, he made his way over to his bag and water bottle.

Out of the corner of his eye, Chan noticed Changbin sitting down next to Felix.

"My name is Changbin," he said in English. He smiled and all Chan could do was watch in amusement as Felix's eyes opened comically wide.

"Hi!" Felix squeaked, which sounded bizarre after Chan having got used to his usual, low tone. "I'm Felix!" He swivelled so that he was facing Changbin. The bloody orange swirled around the pair of them, a brilliant and beautiful contrast to Changbin's navy.

"You are Australian.” It was not a question, but it sounded like it was meant to be one. English had never been a subject that Changbin was strong in. Chan had spent enough hours tutoring him to be extremely familiar with that fact. Chan admired him deeply for having the confidence to start the conversation in the first place.

Felix nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! I arrived two days ago!"

"Two days," Changbin repeated. He did not know what to do with the conversation. "You are dancer."

Again, Felix nodded. "I got in on dance." He paused for a minute and sighed heavily. "The dance you were doing before, though... it was so cool. I wish I could do something like that..."

Changbin’s face finally blanked. "I am sorry. I am not understanding." His forehead creased as, Chan expected, he tried to recall all of the grammar structures and vocabulary that he had to learn for school. As with most people Chan had met in Korea, Changbin’s reading and writing skills were a lot stronger than his speaking and comprehension. He refused to intervene, though, determined to let them have their chance for their own conversations.

Felix went bright red. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" The air was suddenly was marred with ugly brown stains.

Changbin waved his hands. "No. No sorry! My English is... not very good."

Felix went quiet for a moment, looking even more confused than Changbin. "Uh, your dancing is very cool. I want to do it, too." He spoke deliberately slowly, enunciating each syllable with extreme force and completely defiling his accent in the process. "Your English is better than my Korean."

Chan could not tell if Changbin had completely understood, but he seemed to get the gist of it because he gave Felix a massive grin. "I can teach!" he announced.

"Korean or dance?"

Changbin faltered for a minute. "Both."

Felix laughed slightly as he said it. Chan liked it when he laughed. Small threads of gold and saffron finally became visible amongst the otherwise dark tones. It had taken Chan no time at all to work out that the darker shades were negative and the lighter ones positive.

In Chan's experience, most people's voice had a spectrum of colours. It was based on the subtle changes in their tone that depended on their mood. Some, like Felix’s, went from light to dark, some went around the colour wheel and others did something completely different. Sometimes, it was nice to be able to get an insight into what other people were feeling. Otherwise, it felt like he was intruding and reaping the benefits of what was technically classified as a neurological condition.

Woojin snuck up behind Chan as he gazed absently at the wall mirror over the heads of Changbin and Felix.

"That's sweet," he remarked absently. Woojin's blue immediately washed over Chan like a wave of calm from the emotional rollercoaster of the past few days. "Never took Changbinnie to be the type initiate conversation in English. Usually, he leaves it to Hyunjin in the language lessons." He spoke quietly as if to shield their conversation from the rest of the room.

"I think they'll get along well," Chan replied.

Woojin laughed as he nodded. "I’m sure.”

Chan distantly agreed again as he gazed at Changbin and Felix. Their conversation had more or less turned to a combination of miming and Google translate. It made Chan smile to see; he had not known Felix for long but even within a few days he had received the impression that he was shy in new situations and easily intimidated.

Of course, Chan could not fault him for that. He had just moved to a new country at fifteen years old and potentially handed over most of his life to a company who might not even end up allowing him to debut. Even so, he was cautious.

“He’ll be fine, don’t worry,” Woojin said. He wrapped his arm around Chan’s shoulders, ruffling his hair and softly hitting at his upper arm.

Chan swallowed. “I know he’ll be fine. It’s just… It’s a lot coming to a new country, you know? I don’t want him to feel alone.”

Woojin stilled but he did not remove his arm from Chan’s shoulders. “We won’t let him feel like he’s alone, then. We can do that. Changbin’s already got a head start on it.” His arm slowly crept downwards and for a second, Chan wondered if he would get as far as his waist. It was something they had danced around for quite a while without even reaching a point of discussion.

Before he could think any further, the dance instructor was calling them back from their break. Chan and Woojin jolted apart like an electric current had passed through them, making them magnetically repulsive.

Woojin sent him a last, fleeting smile before disappearing back to his place in the lines.

“Ah, Chan!” The instructor’s words made Chan pivot on the spot to face her. He made his way over to her quickly. “Can you take Felix to an empty room? I want him to have a chance to learn something and you,” she paused and glanced owlishly at Felix, “Well, you speak English.”

Chan nodded obediently. “What dance should I teach him?”

The teacher paused for a second. “Ask him if he has a preference. From what I’ve been told so far, he did well in his dancing assessment; it’ll be a test of how much he can handle. Report back to me in our next lesson.”

Chan bowed and nodded again.

“Okay, then. Off you go.”

Chan turned and walked straight towards Felix. He was still talking to Changbin, although talking appeared to a generous statement. Apparently, both of them had better written than spoken skills, and so they were taking it in turns to type messages onto Changbin’s phone. They were completely absorbed in their own little world.

Regrettably, Chan cleared his throat. “Practice is starting again,” he said in Korean.

Changbin bowed his head and turned his phone off. He smiled again at Felix. “Talk again,” he said in English.

“Yes, soon,” Felix replied, his voice a flicker of flames.

Changbin’s smile faded. “I must go now.” He pushed himself to his feet after stuffing his phone back into his bag and returned to his position.

“We’ll find our own room to practice in. Any dances in particular that you like?” Chan extended a hand towards Felix and helped to pull him to his feet. He grabbed his own water bottle while Felix shouldered his rucksack, a small hand holding impulsively onto one of the straps. He led them both out of the room.

Felix was quiet in thought for a few seconds. “I,” he hesitated, “I tried to learn some of Twice’s dances before I came here.” His hand tightened around the fastenings. “I wasn’t very good, though.” 

Chan grinned at him. “That’s okay. Which one d’you want to start with? I’ll help you!”

“Well, they’ve just released Knock-Knock.” He sounded as shy as he looked. “Would that one be alright?”

“Sure, let’s do that!” Chan said, mustering as much enthusiasm as he could. He had not explicitly learnt the Knock-Knock choreography, but he hoped that he had watched Twice practising it enough to work through it with Felix and the help of the video guide.

Finally, they found a small, empty room. Chan dropped his bag down by the wall and pulled out his laptop, which he always carried with him. While he waited for the dance practice to load, he twisted so that he could face Felix.

“So, you obviously found Changbin, then.” He hoped that his tone was coming across as teasing. “Didn’t scare you off?”

Felix’s face contorted into a grimace. “Anyone who’s willing to speak to the new kid in a second language must be nice. He speaks English ten times better than I speak Korean.”

Chan’s insides softened. “You’ll improve really quickly, you know? You always do when you’re learning in another country. Others have done it, and you’ll be able to do it, too.” His hand fluttered for a second before gently resting on Felix’s shoulder. “Don’t worry about it; we’ll help you.”

Felix gave him a muted smile. “He seems nice.” He sounded unsure. The orange was dark but there were threads of gold and bloody red stains that marred it.

“Changbin?”

“Yeah.”

“He is,” Chan confirmed. “Besides, I do believe he offered to help you learn Korean.” He smirked.

Felix blushed. Surprise bubbled somewhere in Chan’s stomach. _What did that mean?_ He shoved back a burning desire to push for answers: if it meant something to Felix, then he could tell Chan in his own time. For now, his job was to focus on the blood-orange colour and bring out the underlying gold.


	3. iii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update every day, she said. It'll be fine, she said. What even is a consistent update schedule? 
> 
> IMPORTANT: TW for this chapter - mentioned homophobia. If you want more information, just send a message and I'll be happy to answer any questions :) 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!  
> \- Oonymay

One day, this song would drive Chan insane. It had already come close; Woojin had stopped him from completely falling off the edge only a few weeks ago. Since then, the song had turned baby blue with sharp, Prussian blue downbeats. The progress on it was agonisingly slow and it did not help that Jisung and Changbin walked around him on tiptoes whenever they worked on it together.

Chan stared at the screen, begging a streak of inspiration to miraculously show itself. The other arranger, TRIPPY, had already signed off for the night, leaving Chan alone in the small studio. Time felt as if it was moving hideously quickly. A momentary glance at the small clock on the desk told him all he needed to know in that respect.

His bag sat by his feet. From within it, there was a buzzing.

Chan dropped his hand and groped at the bag blindly. His eyes were still glued to the monitor even though there had been no significant change on the screen in over half an hour. He came back up, victorious, with his phone clutched in his hand. A text message from Woojin lit up the screen, asking him if he was willing to eat the leftover  _malgeunguk_ from earlier that week. Sparing only a few seconds to send a reply, he placed his phone screen-down on the table. He wanted to finish this song tonight, no matter what it took.

It took almost an hour to add another synth layer that he was satisfied with.

There was a knock at the door.

“Yeah?” Chan spun around in his chair to face the entrance. “Come in.” The door silently swung open and Felix appeared, backpack clutched to his front and biting his bottom lip. “Felix?”

Felix walked further into the room. “Can I… Can I talk to you?” He stuttered his way through the Korean, which was unusual because it had been ten months since he had moved to Korea and while he was not fluent, he rarely stumbled over his words like that.

There was also dark orange marring the air between them. Chan had not seen that shade since the day of the elimination, and honestly, he had hoped that he would never see it again. Of course, he knew that up days and down days were a natural part of life, but this was a different shade of orange: over a year, Chan had come to understand it as being somewhere between fear and complete emotion turmoil.

Chan nodded reflexively and so quickly that his neck cricked after hours of barely moving it. “Of course you can! What’s up? I thought you had a Korean lesson?”

Felix nodded. “I finished it.”

“How was it?” Chan pushed himself off his chair and began to pull piles of sheet music and pages of lyrics off the couch in the room. “What were you learning about?”

Grimacing, Felix sat down on the spot that Chan offered him. “The grammar of ‘if’ clauses. But, under the theme of social relationships.”

“Sounds fun.”

Felix shook his head and finally let go of his bag so that it sat beside him. “It’s not.”

Chan smiled gingerly. “So, what did you want to talk about, then?”

The orange became even bloodier. “It’s just…” Felix paused, bit his lip, and then started again in English, “The stuff we were doing in class today… It just made me think about things…”

Chan waited patiently, conscious not to interrupt Felix. His stomach was twisting, though, and his heart was picking up pace in anticipation for what Felix was trying to say.

“We were talking about romantic relationships, and, like, how some things are perceived by the public…” Felix refused to look up, but Chan could see the waves of colour darkening at a horrific speed. It was only a projection of his own subconcious perception of Felix's emotional state, Chan knew that, but it was rare for it to be completely wrong. He gave up on straightening the pile of paper in his hands and sat down on the couch, too. Felix had suddenly gone silent.

“And…?” Chan prompted.

Felix’s head snapped up. “Has everyone else already gone back to the dorm?”

There was a second of silence where the question buzzed around Chan’s mind without really processing. “Yeah,” he said, somewhat thrown off balance and forcing the answer out. “They’re having leftovers for dinner. I think we’ve got the _malgeunguk_ from last Saturday.” This was a diversion strategy and although Chan wanted to oblige Felix, he also wanted to get to the root of Felix’s problem. The prospect of finishing the song had been all but knocked out of his head, but Felix looked exhausted and it was Chan’s responsibility to make sure that he got back to the dorm at a reasonable time and in one piece both physically and emotionally.

“Oh, good,” Felix said weakly.

Chan clasped a hand onto Felix’s shoulder. “What d’you want to talk about?” He gave a reassuring smile. “You know that you’re like my brother. Whatever you’re thinking, I promise you, I’ll do my best to help you.” Felix’s eyes drifted out of focus and Chan immediately stumbled to correct his words. “Or, be there for you, or whatever you need.”

Felix gave a short nod of his head. “Thanks.” His voice was a mere croak.

Humming lightly, Chan leant into the backrest of the couch. If Felix would not calm down, then he could at least do his best to promote that atmosphere.

“When we were talking about relationships, the topic of relationships amongst idols came up.” Felix stopped again, but his voice was finally becoming stronger again. “And, in particular, like, when idols are openly dating and stuff.”

It took all of Chan’s willpower not to interrupt there and then, but he restrained himself.

“And then, like, I mentioned Holland…” Felix drifted off as if waiting for Chan to make an indication that he knew what Felix was talking about.

Chan had distantly heard the name. From what he remembered, Holland was a solo artist who had debuted only a few weeks ago. He had done so as an openly gay artist and received a lot of mixed opinions as a result.

Felix had still not said anything, so Chan finally interjected. “Holland… He’s come out publicly, right?”

“Yeah…” Felix was still refusing to make eye contact and stared determinedly at the floor. “I mentioned him to the teacher and she started talking about gay relationships.” His voice was so small; so, so tarnished with blistering reds and burning oranges.

“What did she say?” Chan held his breath, already anticipating the answer.

Felix swallowed. “She said it was bad. She said that it was a sin. I know that Korean’s conservative, but I never thought…” He broke off with a sob that wrenched its way through his system, wracking his whole body. “She said it was shameful, Chan. She told me that he was sinning and was wrong to flaunt unattractive qualities as if they could be normal.”

Chan’s heart shattered. His throat swelled in a lump up in sympathy and unable to restrain himself, he wrapped his arms around Felix and held him tightly. “Oh, Felix…” he said softly. He could feel his t-shirt growing damp, even though Felix's sobs were muffled to the point of almost being silent. “I’m sorry she said that stuff. She had no place in talking to you like that. I promise to you that not everyone thinks like that.”

Felix sniffled. “She’ll hate me.”

Chan was silent for a few seconds. Felix had never explicitly talked about his sexual orientation but this felt as much of a confession as anything. With dating bans and cameras everywhere, no one dared to even mention it even in the privacy of the dorms. Even so, there were more than a few people in their group who had yet to learn the lesson of subtly. With hopeless admiration and pensive resignedness, Chan had watched people's eyes follow paths that the public would have frowned upon. Even so, Chan preferred to let people talk about it in their own time; chasing someone into a premature confession never achieved anything constructive.

Privately, Chan thought that Felix was someone who could have used a lesson in discretion. Objectively, Chan knew that Felix was a hormonal teenager. On another level, he seemed to have no concept of hiding what he was doing when his eyes chased random guys in dressing rooms and hallways. Chan refused to chase Felix up on it, but suddenly, he had been given an answer.

Felix abruptly pulled away. “I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

Chan did his best to muster a smile. “Don’t apologise. You know that… Well, if you are gay, I won’t judge you, and I don’t think anyone else in our group would, either.” Felix’s bottom lip trembled.  “I respect you for you who are and, besides,” Chan gave Felix a rueful smile, “I think I’d be a bit of a hypocrite if I judged you, don’t you?”

Felix’s eyes widened and for some reason, that made Chan’s stomach buzz with pride. Even though he was twenty, Chan was not afraid to admit that the thought of talking about sexuality sometimes made him want to vomit with nerves. It was terrifying to talk about with people when the whole time, his thoughts were preoccupied with whether or not they would judge him. Nonetheless, this was not his moment; it was Felix's, so he pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind. 

“You’re…. Too?” Felix spoke in absolute wonderment and suddenly, Chan could see the filaments of sunset and ginger beginning to wind their way back into his voice. Sometimes, it was scary how quickly the colours could change. 

Chan ruffled Felix’s hair. “Sure am, kiddo.”

Felix dragged balled-up hands across his eyes, wiping away the tears. “And you don’t care, then?”

“Well, I care about your wellbeing,” Chan said with a slight frown. “But, no, I don’t care about who you like. Unless it’s destructive, in which case, I’ll care very much.”

Finally, Felix managed to return a small smile. “Thank you.” He had nothing more to say and he was a tarnished bronze. Chan continued to hold him tightly. He could not care less what happened to the rest of the song anymore. The most important thing in the world at that moment was making sure that Felix understood that he would never be alone in this.

For a while, they sat there in a content silence. Occasionally, Felix sniffled a little, but even that became quieter and quieter until it eventually ceased altogether. The time passed like sap; Chan had not slept in two days, sans for a two-hour stint at some point the previous afternoon. Insomnia was a nightmare, which was ironic, as he barely got enough sleep to have a bad dream in the first place. But, there was nothing quite like a good, emotional session to induce some cuddling-type compensation that was as good a substitute for sleep as anything.  

On the table, Chan blearily noticed his phone buzzing. Felix, cat-like, peered at it, too. “Who’s that?”

Chan shrugged. “Woojin, I expect.” It was something of a relief to be able to talk in English and not have to tack honourifics onto the end of every name.

Felix did his best to turn to face Chan without moving from his position. “What’s he want?”

“Well, I do believe my phone is over there,” Chan said in a deadpan. He grinned teasingly. “If you’ll let me up, then I can find out.”

One of the things that Chan both admired and hated most about Felix was his ability to apparently put things in the past as if at the drop of a hat. Chan could never quite tell if he was putting up a front or genuinely wanted to move on. Felix hugged his arm tighter. “Can’t we just stay here for tonight?”

“I think Woojin’ll get mad if we do that.” Chan wrenched himself out of Felix’s vice-like grip with enormous difficulty and took a few steps so he could grab his phone. Then, he collapsed back into the couch and Felix immediately latched onto him again like a limpet. Turning his phone on where Felix could see it to avoid the trouble of rereading.

Felix scanned through the message too, although at a slower pace. His elbow pressed more and more harshly into Chan’s side. “What are the hearts about?” 

“The hearts?” Chan repeated, scanning the message, which was asking when he and Felix would get back to the dorm and letting them know that the leftovers were in the fridge.

Felix pointed. “Woojin’s name. Next to it.” A short finger indicated the string of multi-coloured hearts. “Rainbow.”

Chan raised an eyebrow and studiously ignored the stirring in his stomach. “Well, I’m not going to speak for Woojin, but I’m sure you can put the pieces together.” The weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders with those words.

Felix’s eyes widened and his mouth formed itself into a small _o_ shape. He nodded fiercely and clammed his mouth shut again. He understood and he had the common sense and empathy to know that it was not his place to intrude, either. It was a trust that went two ways; Felix had put as much faith in Chan as Chan had in him.

Felix rested his head back on Chan’s shoulder and sighed in content. His breathing had completely evened out and Chan could feel his steady heartbeat, rhythmic and regular once again. Reaching over Felix’s head, he fired a text back to Woojin, letting him know not to worry and that they could fix their own food if they got back late.

Woojin sent back a smiley face within a couple of minutes. Felix gazed at the phone screen, a soft smile gracing his face.

“That’s cute,” he said quietly.

Chan rolled his eyes, not dignifying that statement with a response but nonetheless smiled. “And you’re going to tell me who your little crush is on, then?”

For a second, Chan worried he had pushed too far. Felix’s body tensed for a second and then he let out a heavy breath and proffered a weak but teasing grin. “Guess.”

Chan sighed playfully. “Oh, I don’t know; Chris Hemsworth.”

Felix wrinkled his nose and laughed under his breath. “Ew, no, he’s like twice my age.”

“Yeah, but he’s good-looking,” Chan returned easily as if this type of discussion had always been an option for him. It was like second nature, just another layer that they had in common and could now talk about. “One of the other Chris people, then. Chris Pratt. Chris Evans. Chris Bang.”

Felix laughed at that and Chan grinned when he saw threads of gold weaving together, floating around them both. They were much nicer and brighter than Chan’s own monotonous grey. “One of those is not like the others.”

“What are you saying? Chris is a great name. People with Chris are all great looking, don’t you think?” Chan winked at him.

“Nope,” Felix said lightly, “All too old.”

Chan punched Felix’s shoulder lightly. “Oi, what’re you saying there?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Felix trilled. His laugh died out slowly. “He doesn’t even speak English.” “Oh, it’s no Song Joong-gi, is it? Or, perhaps Yeo Jin-goo? Both great, of course.”

Felix scoffed. All noticeable traces of his previous sadness had long since disappeared. It was unnerving, but Chan made no comment. “Okay, first off, Song Joong-ki is married. Secondly, I’m pretty sure he speaks English. At least to some degree. You heard him Descendants of the Sun. And wasn't Yeo Jin-goo the guy in The Long Way Home? I can't even remember, but definitely not either way.”

“Don’t mean you can’t have a crush on him,” Chan quipped back. He smirked and Felix returned it bitterly. “You going to tell me, then?” Chan teased. He expected to get a roll of the eyes and a dismissive shrug and was not surprised.

“You’ll tell me one day,” Chan promised.

Felix giggled and did not respond.

Chan was silent for a few more minutes as Felix traced patterns onto his own knee. Then, Chan took the plunge. “It’s someone in this group, isn’t it?”

Felix started like he had been shot with a bolt of lightning. “What? Why would you say that? No _._ That’s just-.  _No._ ”

Chan raised his eyebrow a little. Felix’s resolve crumbled like a sandcastle that had a bucket of water poured on it.

“Maybe slightly.” The strings of aureate and marigold were slowly starting to marry together into ropes of colour that hung like tinsel and Christmas tree lights over the rest of dull sunset. That was good enough.

Chan raised an eyebrow but did not press for more details when Felix elobwed him. He had his suspicions, but he knew when to call it a day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. Happy coming out day! 11.10.18 :)


	4. iv

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, let's reiterate:  
> 1) I suck at update schedules. Seriously, just never trust me ever if I say that I'm going to update soon. Because I'll probably forget. 
> 
> 2) I am not affiliated with Stray Kids. Everything I write is fiction. 
> 
> 3) Hannah and Lucas are the names of Chan's siblings according to most sources. I don't know how they feel about being talked about online, so I'm going to leave them out of this story except for names in passing. 
> 
> 4) Everything I've written in this chapter is just a projection of my own thoughts - As someone who immigrated, those are the sort of things that I sometimes think about. But, again, this is fiction and absolutely not a representation of their thoughts and feelings. 
> 
> 5) The line about the magpies. I don't know what it's like in Sydney - I don't live there! That being said, I am (half) Australian and in my experience, everyone jokes to some degree about things like the magpies. It is a genuine problem in some areas, but its also something that (as I said, in my experience) people joke about, too.

It had been over ten years since Chan had last set foot in Australia. Seven, long years of training and then just over three since their debut. But, after so long, they were heading to Sydney as a team. It was primarily for a tour, but primarily for their tour but also to finally give Chan and Felix a chance to see their families again. 

Chan's parents had only been able to visit a handful of times in all the years he had been based in Seoul. Between his sibling's examinations for school and then university, and work, there was never a good time. For years, each time he had thought of him, a needle would stab into his heart mercilessly. He tried not to dwell on it, though; Felix's mother alone had been able to get to Korea since their debut. 

They were in the airport and his family felt so close that their familiar colours were almost tangible. Chan was buzzing with excitement and terror, his whole body pulsing with static electricity as they waited for their flight to be called. It was like he was living in a hyper-reality with everything from the colours to touch amplified tenfold. He was too antsy to distract himself with his phone or a book, or even the melody he had been playing around with on the sound synth programmes he had installed on his laptop. Restlessly, he jiggled his knee.

On his left-hand side, Woojin was calmly flicking through Instagram, enjoying the Internet before it cut off for the eleven-hour flight. He appeared immune to the high nerves around him. Chan knew that he was excited, even if also a little nervous. When neither of them could sleep the previous night, they had spent hours going over everything that was going to happen. 

A hissing whisper cut through the air like a dagger, forcing Chan to look up. The gate lounge was quiet and a few people had raised their eyes alongside him. Chan's eyes quickly settled on Changbin and Felix. His heart dropped and their indiscernible conversation felt even louder. Glancing to Woojin, their eyes met and Chan nodded, resigned. He pushed himself out of the seat with a heavy sigh and joints smarting from a lack of movement.  

“What’s going on here?” he asked conversationally as he walked over to where they sat.

Changbin scowled at him and Felix’s forehead creased into a frown. They avoided looking at each other. It was a stark difference to the last time Chan had glanced in their direction. Ten minutes ago, they were almost sitting on each other’s laps as they pored over a notebook of, what Chan assumed to be, lyrics. There was an obviously awkward space between them now. 

Chan had noticed that they were becoming increasingly tetchy with each other weeks ago. It was like an elaborate game of chess; one step forward and two steps back. Naïvely, Chan had prayed that it would not escalate. He had been so preoccupied with trying to prepare everything for their tour that it felt as if everything else had become an optional extra actively, including making any attempt to cut Felix and Changbin's issues off at the root.

A few rows of seats behind them, Hyunjin, Seungmin and Jeongin looked on in interest. Chan gently shook his head at them and waited for them to turn back to their own entertainment before he continued. They were in the general waiting area, though, and a few members of the public were also glancing their way every so often.

Chan grimaced. At least he knew Minho and Jisung had gone to explore some of the shops; that was two less people who he had to worry about.

"Gonna say anything?" he asked again when neither Changbin nor Felix answered.

Changbin’s face curdled like sour milk. “Why don’t you ask him? I’m sure he’d love to tell you why he’s being absolutely vile.” His voice was twice as poisonous as his expression.

Chan raised an eyebrow and declined the option to answer. Felix’s glower deepened and he crossed his arms. The contrast between the spectrums of their behaviour was astounding. Changbin scoffed and made as if to leave but Chan held him back.

“C’mon, we’re sorting this out now,” Chan said. He dragged Chan and Felix into the closest, most private coffee house he could find with both of the squirmings in his grip. It was nearly two in the morning and their protests were weak. 

Chan gave a meaningful look to Woojin, who pulled a face and then grabbed his and Chan’s bags so that he could move to mind Felix and Changbin’s things, as well.

Over his years as leader, Chan had quickly learnt that it was never good to allow disputes to carry forwards, particularly over an aeroplane flight. There was nothing worse than trying to resolve disputes with sleep-deprived and absolutely exhausted people.

“Right, coffee.” Chan pushed a disposable cup in front of Changbin, another one in front of Felix and held his own tea separately. If nothing else, coffee would give them enough of a kick to make it onto civil ground again.

“Talk. We’re not getting on the aeroplane when you’re arguing.” He sipped his tea and waited for someone to say something. They had time: their aeroplane had been delayed twice already. They had been told that it would be at least two hours before it would be ready for boarding.

Finally, Changbin spoke. “He’s being a little shit. It’s not my fault that he’s acting like he’s two.” His navy had turned a stormy blue-grey, reminiscent of old, dented steel and just as cold. Chan bit the inside of his cheek and turned the cardboard cup around in his fingers. He determinedly refusing to look away from either of them.

“Felix?” he prompted. 

Felix turned to him and gave an unimpressed look. Staring him directly in the eye, he took a long sip from his coffee. Felix had hated the stuff when Chan had first met him. Somewhere along the line of endless practising and vocabulary lessons, caffeine had suddenly started to substitute itself for the hours of sleep that he had been failing to get. (It was one of the reasons that Chan had avoided it in the first place. He had been terrified that if he started, he would end up as a caffeine addict).

Chan felt stupid sitting across from both of them. Here he was, counselling a twenty-one-year-old and a twenty-three-year-old in relationship dramas. This had never been in the job description when he was asked to be the leader.

Actually, Chan forced himself to remember, no one had ever confirmed that Changbin and Felix were dating. If they were, then they were certainly covering it much better than Chan and Woojin had ever managed. If they were not, then Chan wondered if they were aware of how often they came across as a couple. They repelled and complimented each other perfectly, just as navy and orange do.

Felix finally opened his mouth. “Changbin- _hyung_ ,” he spat the word out like it was something extremely unpleasant, “would do well to remember that his nose belongs somewhere, but that place is certainly not in my business.” It was a testament to how far Felix’s Korean had come within four years that he did not pause or stutter once in his sentence.

“You’d do well to remember that sometimes people care and actually want to help. It’s not my job to look after you as if you’re still a little kid,” Changbin parroted. He drank his coffee with a contemptuous frown.

Felix’s voice dropped even deeper and turned a murky, swamp-like brown. “I never asked you to do that in the first place.”

Chan’s stomach was dropping lower and lower. It was as if he was watching a conversation carried out fully in a verbal cypher that he did not know the key to. “Okay, let’s slow up,” he intervened. “What’s the actual problem here?”

Felix turned to Chan. “ _Hyung_ , I appreciate that you’re trying to help, but can you just leave this alone? It's fine.”

Diligently, although wishing that he could have agreed, Chan shook his head. “You’re going to work this out now. If you don’t want me to listen or talk, then fine, I won’t. But, none of us are leaving this table until you’ve properly worked through this. You know as well as anyone that letting these things escalate can tear friendships apart.”

Felix sighed loudly and slumped against the back of the chair. Chan was extremely thankful that this booth was at least somewhat sheltered because he was certain that this was the kind of soap opera mess that his mother had loved to have on in the background so many years ago.

For a long few minutes, no one said anything. Chan’s gaze darted between Felix and Changbin as he waited for them to confess what they were talking about.

“He doesn’t want to go back to Sydney,” Changbin finally said. Felix’s face twisted to look utterly betrayed. “And he’s snapping at anyone who tries to talk to him about it.”

Chan turned to Felix. “That’s true?”

Felix’s shoulders were tense and he was hunched over, making him look much smaller than he actually was. He hesitated for a minute before shrugging. His coffee was almost untouched in front of him. It steamed, froth dissipating slowly.

Changbin caught Chan’s gaze. There was an unreadable expression in his eyes.

“Can I talk with Felix alone for a few minutes?” Chan asked. After a second of hesitation, Changbin nodded and excused himself from the table, thanking Chan from the coffee. 

With Changbin gone, silence fell again until it became clear that Felix was not going to say anything without prompting. Without actively realising it, Chan slipped into English when he spoke again.

“D’you want to elaborate? You know that I don’t care what this about, right? I just want to know that you’ll be okay.” He spoke softly and watched Felix carefully, waiting for a reaction. His grey tone did nothing to lighten the mood and, not for the first time, he wished that he had a colour that did not make everything feel worse than it actually was.

Felix scowled. “Changbin could be lying for all you know. Why don’t you want to talk to him alone?” Rust-coloured vines shielded him from all that surrounded them.

“He could be,” Chan agreed. “But he doesn’t do that very often, and it certainly isn’t like him to say something that isn’t at least a bit truthful. Besides, you’ve been jumpy for ages...”

It was like a balloon had been popped. Felix deflated completely and flopped forwards as if all of his bones had been spontaneously removed from his body.

“It’s not that I don’t want to go home…” Felix sighed. With a small hand, he twisted his coffee cup anxiously between his fingers. “It’s just -.” He cut himself off with another deep exhale. 

Chan’s insides turned cold as he recognised what Felix was saying.

“You’re scared.”

Felix shrugged. “I guess. Scared is -. I don’t know if scared is the right word.” At long last, he took a sip of his coffee. The ginger colour was melding into the vapour that rose from the steam hole.

“Try to explain then,” Chan offered. “I’m listening.”

Felix’s mouth twitched and he wrinkled his nose. “Worried, maybe…” He paused and gazed into the corner of the room for a few seconds. “It’s been almost five years since I was last in Australia and we’re just… We’re just suddenly going back after so long.” The pensive expression slid off his face like mud to be replaced with something flighty and embarrassed. “I don’t even know why I’m saying this. It’s been like ten years since you went back. I can't complain."

Chan hurriedly threw his hands in surrender. “Probably just means I relate to you all the more. Keep talking because I guarantee I’ll get it.” He forced a grin and tried not to let his mind jump ahead of where Felix was.

Felix nodded slowly. “Do you ever think that life’s been going on at home when you’re here and it’ll be completely different when you go back?”

Chan considered the question. Honestly, he had thought about it many times and it scared him much more than he was willing to admit. That answer was too raw, though, and something that he was only just beginning to work through with Woojin.

“I have,” Chan said evenly. “It’s been a while. Things will have changed a lot by the time we get back.”

Felix’s nod was barely noticeable. “What if I don’t remember it?”

“What do you mean?”

Felix twisted his fingers together and rubbed at his cuticles. “Mum was born in Korea and moved a bit before her last year of high school. The first time she came back was to visit me . She said that she felt like she was a foreigner in her own birth country. What happens if Sydney isn’t my home anymore, either?” His voice trembled with vulnerability, a rich burnt orange.

Chan smiled bitterly. “It’ll be alright. It’s been four and a half years; you’ll have forgotten the names of some local streets, maybe, and there’ll be some new shops, sure, but it won’t be a different world.”

Felix finally made eye contact, but he looked completely haunted. “I spent my entire childhood saying that I was only Australian. I never wanted to learn about Korea or speak Korean with my mum. Mum and Dad never pushed it. My home has always been Australia. I was always Australian. And now I don’t know.” The sheer amount of pure distress in Felix’s voice was contagious. Chan’s stomach was turning uncomfortably and he tried to push away the emotions that Felix’s words were riling up.

“You spent your childhood in Australia and your adulthood in Korea, of course you’re going to feel like that.” Chan spoke with more confidence than he actually had and prayed that Felix did not notice the slight tremble. “You have two homes. I say that I do. It's not like you have to choose one or the other.”

Felix pulled the lid off the coffee cup and swirled the liquid around until there was a small whirlpool. He and Chan stared at it.

“Sometimes I say English words with a Korean accent, or I forget the word altogether! But I still can’t speak perfect Korean and I still get pulled up by all of the vocal trainers for my accent.” Felix swallowed audibly. Hanging his head, Chan struggled to look at Felix. His stomach was writhing like there was a snake nest inside him.

“Your home isn’t defined by your language or your accent.”

Felix sniffed. He was not crying but his voice was becoming increasingly gruff as he continued to talk. “Sometimes I forget the name of some of the people from high school. I haven’t seen my dad or my sisters in years. They said that Minnie died last year, though. Everything’s changed so much. I don’t want to be left behind.” His words were quick and blended into each other messily. Chan reached across the table and grabbed Felix's hand, squeezing it tightly. 

Distantly, Chan recalled that Minnie was Felix’s cat. He had no idea what to say. In the back of his mind, everything that Felix had said rang through him like a gong. All the same thoughts had run rampage through his mind at some point over the years. By now, Hannah and Lucas would have graduated from high school. When he had left, his younger siblings were both still in primary school. FaceTime and Skype were good, but it was nothing like spending time with people in person.

He felt like a hypocrite trying to give out advice when he was scared of the exact same things. Time stopped for no person. It had been almost ten years and Chan was certain that he would be a stranger in his home to some extent, too.

“It’ll be alright,” Chan managed weakly. “You’re not the first one to think this stuff. You won’t be the last.”

Felix mumbled a note of agreement under his breath.

Chan continued, slightly stronger. “We’ll be fine. Thing’ll have changed, but I’m sure your parents and sisters will catch you up in no time. It'll be autumn, anyway. You'll be too busy ducking from the Magpies to worry about all of this."

That forced a weak smile out of Felix

“See? It’ll be okay,” Chan repeated.

Felix sipped again at his coffee. “Okay…” It was not quite gold, but it was almost a normal orange. That was good enough. 

“Great, let’s find Changbin before he thinks that he’s lost your trust forever.” He made to stand up, but Felix grabbed his wrist. "Talk it though with him, okay? He seemed pretty torn up."

“Please don’t tell the others about this.”

Chan patted the top of Felix’s hand. “You know I’d never.”

Felix let go, mollified. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Chan grinned. Problem solved. (At least for now, but they would deal with that once they got to it.)


	5. v

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait! Exams caught up to me and I got preoccupied with them and sacrificed updating this in the process. 
> 
> Also, I could not make this chapter flow well at all? So, I am so sorry to all of you but I hope that you can maybe still enjoy it a bit?
> 
> Either way, I hope you can enjoy it a bit! 
> 
> Last instalment of the fic coming asap!

If the state of Felix’s cheeks were anything to go by, then Chan was forced to admit that his sisters really must love to tease him. They were crowding around Felix and laughing amongst each other, completely in their own little world. Chan supposed that in itself was fair enough; they had barely seen each other for years.

It had been only a few days since they had completed their tour of Australia. Chan was oddly proud to have been the first K-pop group to have officially made it to all six states and two territories, although he had no doubt that it was at least a partial acknowledgement that two of them hailed from there. Even so, Australia was a big country. Chan had lived there for fourteen years before he moved to Korea and their tour was still the first time he had visited

Though, it was still the first time that Chan had gone to the Northern Territory and Western Australia.

Following the concluding concert in Sydney, they were allowed to rest. JYP had given them two entire weeks free of any work, where they had been allowed to stay in Sydney. It had finally given Chan and Felix the opportunity to spend some time with their families.

Despite having been allowed to spend their time exclusively with their family, Chan was quickly coming to terms with the fact that it was more of a group affair than anything else. None of the other seven members had gone back to Korea, so they were all alternating their days between lounging around Felix and Chan's hometowns and exploring Sydney and anywhere else they could get on public transport.  

Even now, all nine of them, as well as Chan and Felix’s families, had gathered in Felix’s house.

It was convenient that Felix and Chan’s families only lived a little under half an hour away from each other. It made gatherings like this much easier to transport everyone too. (Chan shuddered to think of what it would have been like if they had lived in different cities, or even worse, different states. It was commonly accepted that almost everything was a good few hours away from anywhere else).   

Everyone was lounging in the garden. It was as if autumn had decided to give them one last hurrah of beautiful weather before the winter began to set in. The summer had apparently been warm, and everything was looking decidedly brown and rather dry. Chan had already noticed when he drove past his old primary school that the oval was completely dead with dust beds around the goals.

Chan himself was doing his best to balance his time so he could talk to everyone. As much as he wanted to spend every possible minute with his family, he also wanted to celebrate the end of the tour with the rest of his group members, as well as get to know Felix’s family just as he had come to know the others’ family in Korea.

Chan’s younger siblings had easily interspersed themselves amongst everyone else. He supposed that they had it easy, considering they spoke conversational if somewhat slow Korean. Felix’s father and sisters only knew the very basics.  

However, Felix's sisters seemed perfectly happy to spend their time mocking Felix. Chan was certain that he could make a guess at what the object of their torment was if the way they kept glancing at Changbin said anything. Plopping into a chair near them, Chan joined in their conversation.

“Save me,” Felix groaned dramatically before Chan had even fully sat down. Felix leant back into an old, collapsible camping seat and let all of the tension drop out of his limbs. Spending some time in the sun had made Felix tan mildly and his freckles had become increasingly apparent. It suited him well, even if he would most likely lose them when he left the Australian sun to return to Korea.

Chan grinned brightly. “And what exactly do you need saving from?”

“Them!” Felix gestured towards his sisters, who both laughed. They were making up for all the time they had lost in the past few years, Chan supposed. “I don’t need this!”

“Think about what we said,” Felix’s older sister said, patting him condescendingly on the head. “After all, as your big sister, it’s my responsibility to make sure you’re always acutely aware of how simultaneous oblivious and obvious you are. And Olivia has to be in on it, too.” She disappeared again, along with her younger sister, leaving just Felix and Chan.

Chan frowned. “I hope I didn’t make them leave…”

Felix shook his head. “Thank God you did. They were about to drive me insane. One more word about a gaydar and I’m actually going to scream.”

“Ah, so that’s what they were picking up on,” Chan laughed.

At some point, sexuality had become something commonplace to discuss. The initial taboo around it had dissolved with time. There were rarely long conversations around it, but there was a common acceptance and no need to hide it around it around each other, which Chan had come to be extremely thankful for. They lived double lives for the public and it would have been too much to continue that lie in private, too.

Jisung and Seungmin pushed their way into the small circle.

“Your sisters are nice,” Jisung said to Felix.

Felix groaned and rolled his eyes. “Spare me. They both suck.”

Jisung and Chan both laughed while Seungmin pulled a sympathetic face. “Can’t hate them. Can’t always love them, either.”

"Tell me about it," Felix said. He meant his words no more than his sisters had meant their teasing. Felix spent no time dwelling on it, though. Launching himself head first into a new conservation about a new game mod, his words were bright orange interspersed with bronzes and yellows.

It took only a few minutes for Chan to become utterly lost. He had never spent a lot of time gaming, so he had little knowledge of the latest gaming fads. Even though the others tried to include him, Chan was a lost cause when it came to knowing his way around a console. He was much better suited to synthesisers, midi keyboards and composition programmes.

Smiling and laughing where appropriate, Chan did his best to keep up with their fast-paced conversation. It was easier said than done.

“You know,” Jisung finally interjected, “We could teach you to play. Then maybe you could have something to say.” He grinned wickedly.

Chan raised an eyebrow. “You tried that and then spend most of an hour complaining that I was walking the wrong way and dying.”

Jisung shrugged while Felix stifled giggles behind him. “But, like, that was a year ago! Surely you’ve improved since then!”

“I doubt it,” Chan snorted. “Anyway, I’ll leave you to it. I need to find Woojin…”

Seungmin whistled teasingly, a brilliant array of pinkish stars around him, and ducked around a teasing flick that Chan sent his way.

With a final laugh, Chan stood up and left them to their own conversation. He scanned the garden quickly, searching for Woojin’s white t-shirt.  

It had been a blessing to have Woojin here with him. Between the sheer number of sleepless nights and countless days of stress, Woojin had not yet given up on Chan. He was never authoritarian, but rather gently supporting which Chan could only do his best to be in return. Somehow, they had managed to retain their sanity throughout the entire tour, which Chan was beginning to realise was something akin to a miracle. High tensions and higher stakes meant that tours were the best places for driving people mad. 

The tour had also given him a chance to finally show Woojin where he had grown up. For years, Chan had only ever been able to talk about his suburb, old school and friends and look them up on google maps. Having the opportunity to show him everything was strange but also oddly liberating. It felt like there was a new level of understanding between them.

Woojin's parents met Chan years before they started formally dating each other. It had normalised things with Woojin’s family and made things feel easy when they had finally told his brother and parents about their relationship. There had never been an awkward introduction stage. It made Chan feel more secure in what they had together. 

For Chan’s family, it was a different story. There was never a lack of support, but there was always too much distance and so much going on that it made it difficult to ever establish a strong connection between Woojin and his family.

It had been simultaneously exciting and terrifying when they had finally met after arriving in Sydney. Chan had never had a moment of doubt that they would get along well, but there was always a shadow that flickered in the back of his mind. Chan hailed from one of the most liberal areas in Sydney, which he credited to making him much more relaxed about talking with his family on the subject, but also much more aware of how the same conversations sometimes panned out in different ways amongst other families. 

Catching sight of Woojin talking to his brother, Chan made his way over to join them. Placidly, he wrapped his arms around Woojin’s waist and half-heartedly listened into the conversation.

“He’s like a limpet,” Woojin said fondly. Blue wound itself around them like a snake, coiling in progressively closer. It was oddly comforting to be surrounded by the haze.

Lucas rolled his eyes and yellow shrouded him when he spoke. “I would've been happy to live without hearing about my brother’s love life, thank you.” He smirked at Chan who stuck his tongue out in return. It was childish, but it felt like since they had come back to Australia, Chan had been making up for the childhood that he had lost training in Korea. He did not regret leaving for a second, but there were whole sections of life that he felt he had missed chunks of while he was drilling dances and learning how to act on a stage.

“You know you care, really,” Chan teased.

Scoffing, Lucas crossed his arms. “Oh, as if. You gave me hell when I dated Lucy. You can have your comeuppance, thank you very much.”

“That was fair! And, besides -!” Chan started, before he was cut off by his mother.

“Chan, darling, I’m just going to borrow Lucas for a minute, okay?” Without waiting for a confirmation, she steered Lucas away from Chan and Woojin towards Felix’s parents. For a few seconds, it crossed Chan’s mind to question what was so important that he had to be taken away.

On the other hand, he could not find it within himself to be overly fussed. Lucas cast him a pleading look over his shoulder, which Chan ignored with a gleeful grin. The yellow faded quickly without his voice in the mixture anymore.

“Everyone seems to have things to do when I turn up,” Chan commented lightly. He released Woojin from the back hug and moved so that he could see Woojin's face. They were partially turned towards the garden and it made Chan feel odd as he watched out over everyone.

Woojin shrugged with a gentle smile. “I think everyone’s so caught up in trying to make the most of every moment that they’re trying to do a million different things at once.” He paused for a moment and nodded his head in Felix’s direction. “I mean, have you seen him? Felix has been making the rounds at a hundred miles a minute.”

Chan made a low noise in his throat. He was sympathetic to Felix’s feelings; there were too many things that they had to do before they left and not nearly enough time to fit everything in. “He’s got a lot on his mind,” Chan said finally. “He and Changbin are still kind of awkward with each other, too. I know they made up, but they’re still avoiding actually having a conversation with each other.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“I noticed that,” Woojin agreed. He crossed his arms in front of himself. “Do you ever think…?” He did not have to finish the sentence for Chan to know exactly what he was implying. His blue was slightly greyed with the suggestion.

Shaking his head, Chan exhaled heavily. “Even if they were, it’s not really our business, is it? I mean, they didn’t push us when we started…” At Woojin’s raised eyebrow, Chan retracted his words with a laugh. “Okay, I mean, maybe they did a little, but I think we can afford them the respect they deserve, either way.”

Woojin smiled warmly and the sapphire returned to its normal brightness. “Yeah, I suppose. Even so, that definitely needs to be fixed before we’re done.”

“It’ll be fine,” Chan said, unsure if he was talking more to Woojin or to himself. He had no doubts that it would be alright, but he could not have put a time frame on when it would be okay by. Realistically, he knew that it needed to be sooner rather than later. Groups had been thrown into controversy over less than tension between members that carried onto the stage.

Woojin hummed softly in agreement. “It always is.”

Chan leaned forwards slightly, uncrossing his arms. “Yeah, I know.” He scanned over the garden, eyes catching on his parents. It was a little over a week before they would have to leave and already, Chan was feeling torn up about going back to Seoul. He had forgotten how nice it was to be around his family. For better or for worse, they had always supported him and he relished in the short bursts of time they had managed to find together over the years.

Woojin tapped Chan’s shoulder, wrenching him out of his thoughts before he could go any further. “Heads up, look sharp.” He nudged Chan’s view towards Felix who was walking swiftly towards them, hand impulsively at his pulse point on his neck. His eyes flashed to Chan for a split second before he stared determinedly at the dusty ground again.

“I’ll make myself scarce,” Woojin said, pressing a quick kiss to Chan’s cheek. “I need to find Lucas again. He was giving me all of your embarrassing stories from childhood.” He had disappeared before Chan could beg him not to trust anything that Lucas said.

“What’s up?” Chan said lightly as Felix made it within earshot of him. 

“I need to talk to you,” Felix hissed. His eyes darted around as if he was nervous and the dim orange reflected that. It was about as dark as Chan had seen it since their first day back in Australia.

Chan turned to try to see where Felix was looking, caught off guard. His mouth tightened involuntarily when he saw Felix’s eyes slightly wider than usual and a band of pink that was definitely not sunburn colouring his nose and cheeks. “Now?” Chan managed at last.

Felix nodded frantically, grabbing Chan’s wrist and pulling him inside of his house.

The floor was tiled and refreshingly cool under Chan’s bare feet as Felix pulled him through the rooms. It quickly changed to laminate, though, and finally, Felix dragged him onto an old rug in his bedroom.

The room felt as if it had been paused in time. Posters of a few bands were plastered to the walls, a collage of pictures with his friends, the shelves of books and school files of a teenager. Even the blue duvet cover, rumpled from where he had apparently made the bed in haste that morning was telling of who he had been five years ago, rather than the young man the he was now.

Sometimes, Chan found it terrifying to realise how much he had seen everyone grow up. They were all adults now, all finished with school, no longer going through puberty or dealing with awkward teenage crushes. He never liked to think about it for too long; it consistantly made him uneasy. Time always seemed to have that effect.

A more recent collection of Polaroids had been tacked individually to a wall. Scanning over them quickly, Chan recognised them as being from Felix's camera that he had carried with him for the entire tour. There were dozens of little snapshots, some with many smiling faces and some with just one or two. Chan caught sight of a particularly ugly one of himself and tried not to snigger. For a second, it crossed his mind to ask whether Felix was planning on leaving them in Sydney when he left again.

With a dramatic sigh, Felix threw himself onto the bed. "I made a mistake," he groaned loudly.

“A mistake,” Chan repeated sceptically.

Felix nodded. “A really, really big mistake. Like, super big. Like, I’m screwed big.”

Immediately, Chan relaxed. He recognised that tone of voice and the colours that went with it. The bright stings of orange amongst a sea of rust has been confusing at first. Now, Chan recognised anything that Felix said with those colour patterns to be something he was playing up, unconsciously or not.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.” Chan hoped that he was coming across as placating because he was already doing his best to suppress a smile.

Felix shook his head frantically. “It’s really pretty bad!” He opened his mouth again and then shut it tightly, grimacing.

“D’you want to tell me, then?” Chan sat down on the bed, staring at the wall ahead of him to give Felix a minute to pull his thoughts together. “You know me, I never judge and all the rest.

Felix moaned and flipped onto his back to that he was facing the ceiling. His hands were thrown theatrically over his head and they tangled in the rumpled duvet cover. “My sisters were right. I’m so obvious! Jisung and Seungmin won’t ever let me live it down. It’s like I don’t even know the meaning of subtle.” For all the work that Felix was putting into building up to what he had done, he was actually saying very little.

Chan had realised that Felix had no concept of subtly within a few weeks of meeting him. It was almost surprising that it had taken this long for Felix to mention it. He was open book telling stories about everything and anything, except for what he was intimately self-conscious of.

“What’re they not going to let you live down?” Chan played Felix’s push-pull game patiently. It was pointless to push for him to divulge too much information at once. He was very good at evading questions until he got around to them in his own, sometimes a little skewed, order.

Felix rolled onto his stomach again. “I was staring at him again.” There was a deep brown undertone to his voice.

“Who? Changbin?” Chan asked absently, not quite processing how straightforward he was being.  

Staring at him, Felix cleared his throat awkwardly and coughed onto the back of his hands. “You – uh – know, then?”

Chan debated his answer for a few seconds and then took the plunge. At least that way their conversation would keep moving. “You do it quite a lot, you know…”

Felix paled. “My sisters were right,” he muttered under his breath, a look of horror on his face. “Does Changbin-hyung know? Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed now. Does everyone know or something?” A familiar, spiced orange was bleeding into his words, a tell-tale of his mortification.

Taking pity on him, Chan relented. “I’m sure he hasn’t,” he lied through his teeth. In reality, he had spoken with Changbin about something not so dissimilar only a few weeks before they had left for the tour.

Like a lightbulb had been flicked on in his head, everything suddenly fell into clear relief. Chan’s face twisted, and Felix’s eyes widened in alarm. “What? Does he know? I knew I should’ve been more careful. He hates me now, right? That’s why he’s not talking to me.” A raw vulnerability and extremely impressive ability to catastrophise was shining through Felix’s ochre.

“No, no,” Chan forced himself to say. “Nothing like that. I just got caught up in my thoughts.” Suspicions answers, Chan focused on keeping a straight face. There was nothing between Felix and Changbin, but there was some sort of mutual tension that was becoming increasingly awkward for everyone else around them. Perhaps Jisung and Seungmin had mentioned the staring in an effort to spark some sort of action.

Judging by Felix’s reaction, it had worked. For the greater good or not, they were yet to find out.

Felix grunted in reply. “Stupid feelings. Why isn’t there a backspace button?”

“Isn’t that the golden question?” Chan said lightly, pulling himself away from the wildfires in his thoughts. His own, grey words flitted around them. “You don’t need to stress, though. There’s nothing that’s happened that isn’t normal. If you’re worried about it, you should talk it through with him.”

Felix shuddered. “No, you don’t understand! He kissed me after dance practice, like, a month ago, and I ran away so we decided not to do anything. I can’t still be staring at him now, or I’ll mess everything up again. We were almost properly on speaking terms for a bit before!”

Chan froze and turned to face Felix mechanically. “Sorry, what?”

Felix repeated his story, this time in greater detail. Chan’s stomach twisted into a tighter and tighter knot as he listened until he finally could not hold back his questions. “So, actually, you never discussed it. You’re just avoiding the conversation and pretending that nothing happened.” His tone was monotonous. 

There was a moment of hesitation, where Felix’s eyes flickered around the room as if he was looking for the best escape route available to him. Finally, he nodded. “If you have to put it that way… I suppose that’s not entirely a lie…” Any remainants of that teasing orange had long since disappeared into thin air. In its place was a vulnerable red shade. 

Chan rubbed his temples. He had certainly not heard this side of the story from Changbin. “Okay, then. First thing you are going to do is to talk this through properly with Changbin, and that is non-negotiable.” Felix opened his mouth to protest but closed it again when he saw Chan’s severe face. “Before you do that, is there anything else you forgot to mention?” Without realising it, irritation had drained into his tone.

Felix’s face crumpled. “I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry! I was surprised, and I freaked out when he did it. I hate feelings. It would be so much easier if nothing had happened.”

 Chan’s frustration melted like ice-cream on a summer day. “I’m not angry at you; you don’t need to apologise,” he said softly. “I just wish that you had talked this through earlier. You’re both adults, now. I’m pretty sure we established four years ago that you were crushing on someone. You’re old enough to take responsibility for that now.”

Felix swallowed heavily. The colours around him were burnt. “He probably doesn’t even like me back, though. That’d just make things even more awkward if I confessed to him. Or,” he turned to look at Chan with a wild fear in his eyes, “What if he does like me? Then we’d ruin everything for everyone!”

“I think you’ll be alright.” Chan rested a hand om Felix’s shoulder. “You’re not kids anymore. I think you know how to be careful and how to maintain a professional relationship. Besides, someone who kisses _your cheek_ after dance practice doesn’t exactly sound like the type of person who’d stand you down.”

Felix whinged even louder at that.

“Just talk to him, okay? Better to do it now than to wait until we get back. You know that the situation will only get worse if you leave it.”

“I know,” Felix grouched. He hugged a pillow to his chest. “My sisters are going to give me hell if they ever find out, though. And Seungmin and Jisung. Wait, do they know, too?”

Chan grinned at him. “Do you want the truth or not?” Felix stared at him through nearly-shut eyes. “About the kiss? No. But, Jeonginnie asked me months ago if you were dating each other and just didn’t want anyone to know.”

Felix’s expression morphed into one of horror.

“You’re twenty, you’re allowed to have a romantic interest in someone.” Chan rolled his eyes. “Just talk to Changbin about it. The sooner the better. If you do it today, I’ll even act as a blockade for your sisters.” Sometimes, bargaining was the most effective way to get things done.

Felix pushed himself up on his elbows. “Actually?” he asked cautiously.

“Yeah, actually.”

“What if he doesn’t like me, though?” Felix asked again. He rose into a seated position and watched Chan with apprehension. 

Chan suppressed a sigh of exasperation. “In the unlikely even that occurs,” Chan stressed the words, wishing for a second that he lacked the moral compass that was stopping him from sharing his earlier conversation with Changbin, “Then you’d both move on with your lives. You’re adults now. You're capable of coming to a mutual decision and continuing as friends.” 

Felix steeled himself and with a look of fearful determination, shoved his pillow to the back of his bed and stood up. “Right, fine, I can talk to him.” Pumpkin orange was knitting itself into his words. That was encouraging.

“Yes, you can,” Chan agreed.

Felix turned to him in a last resort of desperation. “And you actually think that he doesn’t hate me, because -.”

Chan cut him off before Felix could let his thoughts eat up his new-found courage before he had even walked outside again. “I’m certain of it.” His voice was softer than it had been before and Felix visibly relaxed as he heard it.

“You have to keep my sisters away, though,” Felix tacked on.

Chan drew a cross over his chest teasingly. “Cross my heart.” Felix hesitated for a minute, so Chan nudged him back through the house and in Changbin’s direction.

“Go get him,” Chan said. He laughed under his breath as Felix wobbled towards Changbin looking like he had slept on rocks the previous night. The trials of young love. (It was easy to forget that he had been around the same age as Felix when he started dating Woojin).  

Soon enough, Felix had disappeared somewhere again with trails of marigold streaming behind him, Changbin by his side.

Remembering his promise, Chan went to find Felix’s sisters. They were standing in a small circle with Lukas and Hannah, so Chan joined them.

“They’re totally kissing right now,” Felix’s younger sister laughed as she glanced over her shoulder to where Felix and Changbin had disappeared. “About time, too. Even I can tell how painful they are when I watch your shows and vlives and stuff! And that's through subtitles, too!”

Chan laughed with them.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: [Oonymay](https://oonymay.tumblr.com)
> 
> Instagram: [Oonymay](https://www.instagram.com/oonymay/)


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